Real Estate Humour

Here are a few of my favourite stories, collected from different sources around the Internet. I hope you enjoy them!

***

When the last of their three children was about to leave home, my parents decided to buy a smaller house.

The Real Estate sign went up.

A week later, a second "For Sale" sign appeared two doors away.

"Soon you'll have new families on either side of you," my mother remarked to the neighbor whose house was in the middle. "We're thinking of putting up our own sign," she replied wistfully. "It would read: 'Was it something we said?' "

***

"I have to have a raise in my commission," the agent said to his manager. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

***

A client bought a new home and the Broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said, "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new home".

***

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two- by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time... we're gonna build a house!"

***

10 Signs That It's Time To Sell Your Home

1. When you first bought your house, you lived in the country. Now that same house is part of the city.

2. You can't get anything repaired because "they stopped making those parts years ago."

3. The swing set in the backyard has sprouted roots.

4. The plumber's phone is on your speed dial.

5. Your phone number is on your plumber's speed dial.

6. All the children's rooms are now guest bedrooms.

7. You haven't visited the other half of the house in six months.

8. You have to move the furniture to see the carpet's original color.

9. Your bathroom is decorated in avocado green -- from the first time it was in style.

10. You can't make any improvements to the exterior of your home without getting approval from the "Board of Historic Monuments."




An agent was showing a home to a young family that included a 4-year-old daughter. The little girl seemed to be quite nervous and she kept asking her parents if they could all leave. 

The tour continued with all the usual aspects of a showing, including checking closet space, etc., until the little girl got more and more upset and started crying.

"What's the problem, dear?", said the mother.

And the four-year-old answered, "We have to get out of this place before they come home and find us!"

She must have learned the lessons from Goldilocks and the Three Bears very well : )

***

When a real-estate agency hadn't sold our house, we decided to do it ourselves. I placed ads in the local papers, spray painted a "For Sale" message on a sign board and posted it outside.

When my husband came home that evening, he told me, laughing, that my sign was the most truthful one he had ever seen. Confused, I rushed outside to take a look. In my haste I had printed - "For Sale by Ower."

***

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords:

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

***

A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST AGENTS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST COMMISSIONS.'

The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

***

One Sunday afternoon a couple sees an ad in the paper. They can't believe their eyes. There is a house in the paper for $1000 that is in the nicest part of town. We are talking about a Highland Park mansion for $1000. They think this has to be a misprint, but decide to call anyway.

They say to lady who answers we saw your ad, and realize it is a misprint correct. She tells them no it's not & you are actually the first ones to call.

They decide to go look at the house. They race over as fast as they can. They pull up to the most beautiful house on the block.

In front of the house is a fountain that cost at least $30,000. They ring the door bell & the lady answers. She starts showing them the house. They realize this house is over 5000 sq ft and it is obvious that expense was not a problem in building this house. The house had marble imported from Italy & a chandelier imported from France. The landscaping was breath taking & the house had a great pool & a nice tennis court.

The couple said to the lady this is the most beautiful house we have ever seen, what's the catch?

The lady assured the couple there was no catch. The couple wanted the house for $1,000 but was leery of doing the deal. Finally the lady said you seem like a nice couple, so I'll let you know the truth.

She told them this house is completely paid for, and not a penny is owed against it. Well, last week I got a call from my Husband. He informed me he is leaving me for his secretary. He then told me I could have everything we own as long as he could have the proceeds off the sale of the house. I agreed and he asked me if I could sell the house while he & his new girlfriend hung out in the Caribbean?



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